My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
