I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
