So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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