remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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