I wish I could teleport
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
