The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
