i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You are the jesus of drinking
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
