I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
