I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
