a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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