he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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