ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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