the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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