At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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