I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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