party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
