Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
