i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
