First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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