You work out of a Hotel?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
