i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
