im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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