so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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