even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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