he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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