she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
