I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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