I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
whose parrot is this?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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