I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize