I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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