i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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