Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Houston, we have a blender
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
