Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
