There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
