You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
