The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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