Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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