walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
