getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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