My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
