I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
