It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
