i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Randomize
