No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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