Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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