why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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