Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
