So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
