Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
