hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
