plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
